THE COLONOSCOPY PREGAMER

It's a personal State of the Union address, but with a longer punchline. Brought to you by Analog Schemes itself, because I couldn't find anyone else to sponsor the event (Blue Cross may end up as the title sponsor, but they're always playing hard-to-get with these types of things).

You don't need me to make comparisons to anything, really. It's the digital test to end all digital tests. And while the pregaming drink of choice seems to have been named by a marketing guy with a gun to his head (WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE PRODUCT, FUNNY MAN? WHAT DOES IT DO???), there isn't a need for exaggeration. Here's your Suprep Bowel Prep Kit. There's less to drink, the nurse practitioner said, but the game makers decided to take it out on the name.

—  The Pregame Checklist  —

The day before, you get to eat Jello and drink clear liquids. The camera has a hard time seeing through spiced rum.

The morning of the procedure, only wear comfortable clothes that are easy to take off. I can't think of anything I own that is even mildly difficult to remove. Zippers and buttons are pretty commonplace, but a robe still sounds like the most appropriate choice.

YOU MUST HAVE SOMEONE DRIVE YOU HOME. YOU MAY NOT GO HOME BY BUS OR TAXI. The second half of which makes sense, since a taxi from Omaha to Norfolk would probably be more expensive than the colonoscopy itself, and would almost certainly not be covered by insurance.

—  The Outcome  —

Not exactly Oscar-worthy footage, success will probably be found on a very independent level. I'll be seeing inside myself while the rest of you need a mirror just to see the middle of your back. Never you mind that I won't remember, wasn't watching, and swear it never happened anyway.

Bottoms up! Cheers!