THE LINCOLN LS: DON'T JUST CHANGE THE CABIN FILTER

Sometimes the need for a new filter is obvious.

Soon after buying a 2004 Lincoln LS, it became apparent there's a bit of a difference between many Lincoln owners and owners of, say, a Pontiac Fiero or a Ford Ranger. Many Fiero owners, for example, don't think twice about pulling the engine out of their vehicle. As a result, there's tutorials all over the internet that explain how to do so.

But when working on the Lincoln, an internet search for something as simple as changing the light bulbs under the side mirrors yields biblical stories where a bunch of old testament guys rip their shirts off and run screaming to the dealership like it's the temple of all knowledge and truth. Forum help is relatively non-existent, and for good reason—if you're that ignorant of how your vehicle works, it's a good idea to keep your mouth shut. Or, in this case, your hands off of your keyboard.

WE JUST CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

As far as material things go, I don't have a lot of what many would consider to be nice things. And I don't mean that in a self-depreciating way: my cars are old and my house is older, but I enjoy the things I have. So while no one is going to mistake a Fiero for a Ferrari, that's not the point. It's a fun car, despite being classic junk, and I enjoy it.

But when people driving Expeditions run stop signs, that has a way of rearranging things. While I've accepted that there's no point in trying to convince most people of how safe a Fiero actually is (they're built like butcher blocks, but everyone and their mother has a story about their brother whose sister's dad's cousin was killed because he rolled a Fiero while backing it out of the driveway), Jodi and I are fine. Despite seeing the Expedition's headlight in the vertical center of the passenger side window. So there's that.

The Fiero, on the other hand, isn't fine.

A NEW ANONYMITY

"I guess we look like everyone else now."

That's what my wife said as we drove to the grocery store. I was so focused on how easy it was to hear what she was saying that I barely grasped what she said. After a few long seconds, I agreed.

I'm new.

We had purchased a 2004 Lincoln LS earlier that day to replace a 25 year old car, which suddenly put us in a very common vintage vehicle. We're used to driving one of those old grandparent cars that are as square as the box that their parts came in. In one sense, nothing changed—we could blend in with the old car because it wasn't old enough to notice. Now we would blend in because everyone drives a ten year old car. To me—to both of us—it felt like a cheaper brand of anonymity.

THE DRIVEWAY SCENE GETS CHEEKY

Our cars have personalities. Sometimes they interact.




HI! I'M THE JEEP! I GET YOU FROM A TO B! DON'T YOU WANT TO GO FROM A TO B? YOU'RE AT A! I GET YOU TO B!

I'm Dolly.

I'm cold. And you're all boring. Every one of you.

Hey now. I can go places that you can't.

You mean when you're not broken? You spend more time on jack stands than tires.

DON'T YOU WANT TO GO FROM A TO B? LET'S GO TO B!

You sound like you're crying when you're starting. Does it really take 1000 revolutions to start that engine?

It does when it's a Chrysler engine. Boom!








Coming from a collection of parts that need to be fixed or repaired daily? Stay classy back there.








Classy--coming from a car that gets driven all of seven miles during the warmest months of the year.

You two aren't seriously arguing about reliability, are you?









I'M RELIABLE! I'LL ALWAYS GET YOU FROM A TO B!

WITH HANDLING THAT...geez, why am I yelling? With handling that will shake out everyone's dental fillings along the way!

WHAT'S HANDLING???

Yes, pickup--do tell! What is handling? This is rich.

Handling is what happens when one of you breaks: they drive me.

HAHAHAHAHA LET'S GO TO BEEEEEEEEEEEE!

SIZE MATTERS

I suppose. We're talking differentials here--specifically, Ford 7.5" and 8.8" differentials.

I'm not a fan of taking the higher-the-number-the-better approach. Making choices based on higher numbers is for insurance companies and people who don't know any better. And it tends to be the more expensive approach. Yet, for those who care to know, a 5.45X39 round shoots farther, faster, and more accurately than a 7.62X39 round. So there's that.

When I purchased a used axle unit to replace the damaged unit in my pickup, I thought I was purchasing an axle with a 7.5" differential. I drove up to Nordstrom's Automotive in Garretson, SD last week, strapped the axle to a carrier attached to Dolly's hitch--Dolly is the name of my '89 Oldsmobile Delta 88, named after its previous owner--and carefully drove home.

FA LA LA LA LA, WHAT THE...

I was driving along in my 1998 Ford Ranger the other day, listening to Christmas music in January. It's what I had in the CD player. All was merry and bright until the tune suddenly didn't sound right.

For those who are unaware, my Ranger is not a diesel.

LAMBRECHT AUCTION: EXPENSIVE, LOW MILEAGE JUNK

Welcome to the world's most expensive auto recycling center.

Several of the people interviewed on the History Channel's Wheels of Fortune show described Ray Lambrecht as “eccentric.” Fine. Maybe he was eccentric. Without knowing anything else, I'm inclined to describe him as nothing more than a hoarder who happened to have a lot of space. But regardless of personality traits, I walked away from the Lambrecht auction with one feeling:

What a waste. What an absolute waste.

The Lamrecht auction should have happened at least twenty years ago, if not sooner. Regardless of mileage, none of the cars at the auction were new. The interiors had a million miles, there was more rust than paint on the bodies, and the cars are mechanically worthless—nothing would run or drive without significant work.

I WANT A QUIET PICKUP

A quiet pickup? It's a 3.0 Ranger. If you can hear it, it's a bad thing.

Two years ago, I replaced the original muffler with a Thrush turbo muffler. I did that because the original muffler had a few too many rust holes, and because the Thrush muffler it was what I had on hand--it was either that, or a Flowmaster 50 muffler, which would have been even louder. The plan was to live with the results, and to come back with a better plan...later.

The plan didn't involve drone at every speed above 50 mile per hour. And the plan certainly didn't involve headaches after only a few hours of daily driving.

So...later is now!

From front to back: original exhaust, new exhaust.

It is strange to say that I am so excited about a muffler, but it is what it is. The old man in me--who am I kidding, that's pretty much all of me--is excited about the prospect of a quiet car again. The Fiero was never quiet anyway.

The original Ranger exhaust system had 2" piping from the second catalytic converter pipe (there are four converters in a stock '98 Ranger--one on each side of the crossover/Y pipe, and two in the pipe immediately following that pipe). The odd thing is that the second pipe is a 2.25" pipe, which then feeds into the 2" piping that runs to the muffler and through the tailpipe. Why a smaller pipe? Probably for sound control. 2" pipe is quieter than 2.25" pipe. But it also more restrictive.

But, given a vehicle where an aftermarket exists, that isn't an issue. Dynomax makes (what they claim to be) 2.5" intermediate and tailpipes for the Ranger, and everyone makes 2.5" inlet/outlet mufflers--including Walker, which makes multiple Quiet Flow muffler models for that application.

Using Dynomax part numbers 52085 (intermediate pipe) and 55038 (tailepipe) and Walker part number 22648 (muffler)--and a small section of pipe to extend the intermediate pipe, since the pickup in question is an extended cab--the result is a relatively open but quiet exhaust. And one happy driver.

THE LAST(?) MARCH OF THE FIERO

The Fiero will be making a trip to Republican City, NE on Friday, with stops in Neligh, St. Paul, and Ord. A cat may be accompanying the car on the trip.

The Fiero story started in 2003, when a friend and I were driving through Norfolk. I was living in Wayne at the time, working at Great Dane for the summer. Long story as short as possible: I bought the Fiero, my friend drove it home, and when I went to take it to the car wash that same day, the clutch wouldn't engage. After sticking something under the tires to keep the car from rolling, I called it a day. After I purchased it, it was over a year before I got to drive the thing.

CLAMPS AND CRIMPS: WHEN IN DOUBT, JUST USE BOTH

That seems to be what Jeep was thinking when it came to the heater hoses on the '89 Cherokees.

It is what it looks like: a mess.

It seems that heater hoses don't get replaced often on these vehicles due to the crimps--I don't know if they seem intimidating or what the reason is, but you'll generally see a lot of original heater hoses if you open the hood of a Cherokee. The two that may get replaced are the two hoses that have clamps at both ends--the hose which runs from the thermostat housing back to one of the tee's, and the hose that runs from the coolant "valve" to the lower pipe on the heater core. The hoses with the crimps, on the other hand, seem to be treated like lifetime items.

But it doesn't need to be that way. Removing the crimps is pretty easy. First, remove all hose clamps and remove the hoses from the vehicle:

HIGHLIGHTS FROM A CS-130 ALTERNATOR REBUILD

Last night I had a few minutes to try something new: rebuilding a CS-130 alternator. I've rebuilt GM's SI alternators before, but never a CS alternator. Due to an excess of reading internet forums where guys say that "the CS alternator can't be rebuilt unless you like welding," I almost didn't do it. Is it as easy as an SI alternator? No. Is it that hard? I guess I'll find out if it works when I install it, but it sure didn't seem overly difficult.