THE DARK SIDE OF DIY: A HOME REMEDY THAT ACTUALLY WORKS

You're working with heavy items. One of them falls and lands on a few of your toes.

Your big toenail changes colors instantly. The smaller toe takes its time, but it gets there eventually. Before long, the throbbing takes over, and the color no longer matters.

You remember that stupid RICE acronym? Rest, ice, compression, elevation--they fix everything! No, actually, they don't. They don't fix throbbing. Besides, compression was what got you in this situation in the first place. So...what to do?

You know what to do. You just don't want to do it. But if you follow the following steps, you'll find a level of relief that is simply fantastic.

Step 1: Smash something.

SCHOLAR FIXES DRYER, LEADS REVOLUTION WITH A WRENCH

Christopher Westley is an associate scholar at the Mises Institute. He teaches in the College of Commerce and Business Administration at Jacksonville State University. His original article can be viewed here (but I have fun with it in its entirety below).

Christopher Westley: (slowly rubs wrists) My clothes dryer went bust the day after Christmas, leading to one of the more common frustrations we face in the modern nation-state.

Analog Schemes: Oh. Hi there. The Emperor has been expecting you.

Christopher Westley:You see, there was a time when one’s dryer broke, the owner faced two options: have it repaired or buy a new one. The owner would weigh the costs and benefits of each, make a decision, and then move on to other things. But those days are gone. Now when an appliance goes on the fritz, a dreaded third option is increasingly being foisted upon us: that of fixing it yourself.

Analog Schemes: So, you have accepted the truth.

THE COLONOSCOPY PREGAMER

It's a personal State of the Union address, but with a longer punchline. Brought to you by Analog Schemes itself, because I couldn't find anyone else to sponsor the event (Blue Cross may end up as the title sponsor, but they're always playing hard-to-get with these types of things).

You don't need me to make comparisons to anything, really. It's the digital test to end all digital tests. And while the pregaming drink of choice seems to have been named by a marketing guy with a gun to his head (WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE PRODUCT, FUNNY MAN? WHAT DOES IT DO???), there isn't a need for exaggeration. Here's your Suprep Bowel Prep Kit. There's less to drink, the nurse practitioner said, but the game makers decided to take it out on the name.

—  The Pregame Checklist  —

The day before, you get to eat Jello and drink clear liquids. The camera has a hard time seeing through spiced rum.